The Paradox of Validation: Boosting Confidence or Feeding Insecurity?

A couple of weeks ago, as I scrolled through my social media feed, a message from an unknown sender caught my attention. It read, “You’ve been sharing a lot of posts lately. Maybe that’s your way of seeking validation.” Although the message didn’t upset me, it sparked a curious inquiry into the intricate relationship between validation and self-confidence. Reflecting on my own journey, I realized that while I have become more self-assured over the years, anonymous messages like these compel me to explore the connection between validation and confidence. Do they truly empower us, or do they inadvertently fuel our insecurities? How exactly does self-confidence develop? Is it an internal force, or does it depend on external factors and the influence of others?

There is only one self-confidence, but there are a number of ways to get there. — Charles Pépin

Unveiling the Essence of Self-Confidence

In my quest for answers, I stumbled upon a captivating story that unlocked a deeper understanding of self-confidence. It revolved around a young girl mastering the art of riding a bike. She fearlessly pedaled under a radiant blue sky, with her father running beside her, one hand gently steadying her back and the other clutching the bicycle seat. With every pedal, her confidence grew, as her father’s encouraging words filled the air. “Keep going, don’t stop pedaling, you’re doing great!” he exclaimed. Eventually, he let go of the seat, and the girl continued riding independently, a triumphant smile adorning her face. In that moment, she embodied a sense of liberation and self-assurance.

Before delving further into the girl’s story, it is crucial to grasp the essence of self-confidence. As explained by Shrauger & Schohn (1995), self-confidence encompasses feelings of competence, skill, and our perception of our ability to navigate various situations.

The Three Pillars of Confidence

The young girl’s journey highlighted three pivotal sources from which confidence derives its strength.

Firstly, her father played a significant role in her transformation. She did not embark on her biking expedition alone; her father stood by her side, providing unwavering support and unwavering belief. This serves as a testament to the idea that confidence in others can instill a profound sense of self-assurance within us.

Secondly, the girl’s own abilities proved instrumental. Guided by her father’s wisdom, she acquired the necessary skills to ride a bike. Without this foundation of self-competence, she would have struggled to ride confidently. Thus, the importance of having faith in our own capabilities cannot be underestimated.

Lastly, as the girl accelerated and experienced pure joy, her elation transcended the mere act of bike riding. It reflected a profound gratitude for life itself. This revelation suggests that confidence can also stem from having trust in the journey we traverse.

Unraveling the Influence of Others

Many believe that self-confidence should arise solely from within and that the opinions of others should hold no sway over our sense of self-worth. Yet, the truth is that we rely on others to help nurture and build our confidence. Let us revisit the young girl’s biking adventure as an illustrative example. Her father’s unwavering presence, guidance, and encouragement shaped her newfound self-assurance. From infancy, we rely on parents or caregivers to guide us, mold our sense of self, and validate our experiences.

In his essay on the mirror stage, Jacques Lacan introduces a compelling perspective. He describes how, during the mirror stage (occurring around six to eighteen months of age), children recognize themselves in a mirror and seek confirmation from others. The child, upon identifying their reflection, turns to the adult, seeking validation. With innocent yet searching eyes, they ask,

“Is this me? Is it truly me?” The adult responds with a smile, a look, or comforting words, assuring the child that indeed, it is them. This interaction holds profound philosophical implications, emphasizing the vital presence of others in shaping our self-perception. We come to understand ourselves through the eyes of those around us. The child’s confidence in their reflection derives from their confidence in the other person, as they seek inner reassurance through external validation.

At times, we may struggle to recognize our own positive qualities or perceive ourselves negatively. Personally, I recall instances where I underestimated my own abilities, considering my accomplishments as mere reflections of duty rather than exceptional achievements. However, feedback from trusted individuals, such as a supportive boss, can shed light on unexplored strengths and attributes we fail to acknowledge. These external perspectives, when genuine and objective, bolster our confidence, unveiling aspects of ourselves that can navigate diverse life situations.

Additionally, seeking reassurance from others can help dispel subjective self-doubt, offering a more balanced and objective perspective on our own capabilities. However, it is crucial to exercise discernment regarding the intentions behind others’ feedback. Some may offer praise with ulterior motives, seeking personal gain, while others may critique to elevate themselves.

Striking the Balance

While self-confidence undoubtedly stems from within, the influence of others in its development is undeniable. Their support, encouragement, and feedback can aid in recognizing our positive qualities, providing reassurance, and nurturing a stronger sense of confidence. Yet, it is vital to tread cautiously, discerning the motives and intentions of those who offer feedback and opinions.

To navigate the paradox of validation, we must strike a delicate balance. Nurturing our internal self-assurance involves acknowledging our strengths, embracing imperfections, and cultivating self-compassion. Validating our own worth sets the foundation for resilience and confidence. Simultaneously, surrounding ourselves with individuals who genuinely appreciate and support us creates a positive feedback loop, fostering personal growth and reinforcing our belief in our capabilities.

Conclusion

The paradox of validation is rooted in its ability to both boost confidence and sow seeds of insecurity. While external validation can offer reassurance and affirm our abilities, an overreliance on it can gradually erode our self-confidence and autonomy. Striking a harmonious balance between internal self-assurance and external validation is key to navigating this delicate paradox.

To embark on this journey, we must cultivate a robust self-image, embracing personal growth, and fostering supportive relationships. By recognizing that self-confidence emerges from a dynamic interplay of internal beliefs and external influences, we can appreciate the role of others in fostering our confidence. The story of the young girl learning to ride a bike exemplifies the significance of supportive figures like her father, who played a pivotal role in instilling belief in her abilities. Similarly, Jacques Lacan’s concept of the mirror stage underscores the fundamental presence of others in shaping our self-perception, emphasizing the importance of external validation in the development of a sense of self.

While external validation can provide temporary reassurance and affirmation, an excessive reliance on it risks undermining our autonomy and fostering insecurity. True confidence lies in striking a delicate balance, where our self-assurance is rooted in our own inner strength and self-belief. As I continue my personal journey, I recognize the importance of cultivating a strong self-image while surrounding myself with individuals who offer constructive feedback and genuine encouragement. This holistic approach empowers me to navigate the paradox of validation, nurturing an authentic and resilient sense of self-confidence. By embracing our uniqueness and evolving into the best versions of ourselves, we transcend insecurities and embrace the transformative power of genuine self-assurance.