Asking someone how they’re doing might seem basic, but trust me, it can have a huge impact. A few years back, when I felt like no one cared about me, this simple question literally saved my life.
‘How you doin?” — The Question That Changed Everything
Back in the day, someone asked me, “How are you?” when I was feeling completely invisible and in the middle of severe depression. This question became my lifeline, literally saving me from ending my life.
After that moment, this simple question became more than just a small talk starter. When someone asks, “How are you?” and I automatically say, “good” or “fine,” or it takes me a few seconds before giving an answer, that hesitation shows something deeper. It’s like putting on a happy mask. But here’s the thing — I’d hesitate because I didn’t want to lie, and I definitely didn’t want to bring negativity into the conversation. So, when I really thought about it and took a few moments before answering, I knew something wasn’t going well in my life or my mind.
The Dilemma of Being Positive
We all feel pressure to keep things positive in social situations, expected to have everything together. But this clashes with how we really feel, creating a kind of mental tug-of-war called cognitive dissonance — when what you’re saying doesn’t match how you feel. This leads to a tricky situation where you’re torn between being real and meeting social expectations. There’s a desire to maintain a positive facade to fit into societal norms, yet there’s an awareness that this conflicts with genuine emotions.
The Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance theory by Leon Festinger is like a mental tug-of-war that happens when thoughts or actions clash. Picture this: you’re asked “How are you?” and there’s an unwritten rule to reply positively, like saying “good” or “fine.” But if your actual mood isn’t as upbeat, you’re caught in a mental pickle. It’s a clash between what society expects (the cheerful response) and how you really feel (maybe not so great). This clash is what we call cognitive dissonance.
So, when you hesitate or take a beat before answering, it’s like your brain’s way of dealing with this inner conflict. It’s saying, “Hold up, we’ve got a mismatch here.” To ease the discomfort, you might choose to go with the positive response even if it doesn’t quite jive with your true emotions.
This theory explains the internal struggle, helping us make sense of why we sometimes respond with a smile when we might feel a bit meh inside. It’s basically the brain’s way of finding balance in a world where we’re expected to be cheerful, even if it doesn’t quite match our mood.
Adopting Rousseau’s Perspective on This Matter
Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s ideas on social masking and its connection to cognitive dissonance are some of the theories that popped into my mind when writing this article. I remember learning about Rousseau’s Social Contract theory when I was studying criminology years ago.
Rousseau’s Social Contract theory provides the foundation for understanding social masking. In “The Social Contract,” he posits that individuals willingly sacrifice certain freedoms to establish a society. However, Rousseau critiques how societal norms can stifle individual authenticity, contending that as societies evolve, people often conform to social expectations, assuming roles that aren’t truly reflective of their own identities. This conformity, in Rousseau’s view, marks the beginning of wearing a social mask.
Rousseau’s concept of social masking aligns closely with cognitive dissonance. This phenomenon occurs when there’s a conflict between attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. In the context of social masking, the conflict arises when individuals present a positive image that contradicts their genuine emotions. The discomfort experienced in this conflict drives individuals to resolve it, either by aligning their responses with their true feelings or by conforming more closely to societal expectations.
In essence, the internal struggle experienced when responding to the question “How are you?” reflects not only a personal dilemma but also a broader societal challenge. Rousseau’s ideas shed light on the conflicts inherent in conforming to societal norms, and the connection to cognitive dissonance underscores the psychological discomfort individuals face when wearing social masks in their everyday interactions.
Strategic Realness: When to Show Your Real Self
Sometimes, saying “I’m doing great” feels like the only option, even when life is chaos. But here’s the catch — who you’re talking to and when you spill the beans matters.
Being true to yourself is like walking a tightrope. Imagine having a terrible day, but you can’t just tell your clients or someone new in your life that you’re stressed out. It’s like there’s this unspoken rule that we stick to the positive script in certain situations. So, the dilemma kicks in: do you spill the truth or go with the flow to keep things smooth?
The trick is knowing when to show your cards. Sharing the messiness of life might not be the best move in every conversation. It’s not about hiding behind a fake smile; it’s about being savvy in social situations. When the question comes from your clients or someone where good vibes matter, you might lean towards the upbeat answer. It’s not faking it; it’s just being strategic.
If your friends or trusted folks ask, just be yourself — honest and real. But, hey, check how they’re doing too. If they’re not having a great day, maybe throw in a bit of positivity or answer with a friendly smile. It’s not just about you; take a moment to check on them too.
In a nutshell, the battle between being genuine and fitting in isn’t a clear choice. It’s more like a tightrope walk, a dance between your real self and what society expects. Figuring out when to spill the truth and when to keep it under wraps is a skill, a way to navigate the world’s demand for positivity, even when life’s a rollercoaster inside. So, the next time you say “I’m good” when things are haywire, just know it’s not about being fake — it’s about playing the social game smartly.
